The Fellowship Goes ALL The Way
by Incamwen and Hallaquelle
Summary: A humorous slashfic that is the product of two hyperactive, dirty-minded teens. R&R, please! (Constructive Cristicism welcome, Flames not)
1. Prologue AND Chapter ONE!

The Fellowship goes ALL the way.  
  
  
Disclaimer: We went to Tolkiens' grave, and offered him sex in return to the copyrights to LoTR. Unfortunately, someone called the police about our strange behaviour in the cemetary. Now, we have no copyrights, and several shrinks trying to talk to us about our 'Strange attractions to the dead.'  
  
  
THE Prologue.  
  
When the fellowship joined hands and danced naked around a fire to conjure up the ancient spirit-things (That were very good luck), Elrond noticed that it was a -very- well-endowed fellowship.  
  
They all celebrated the creation of the Fellowship in their own ways.  
  
Gimli was having some fun with another man (who had a beard but a bit of a bulge in his chest). They were approached asked why they were making out by some very curious hobbits. They said that they were in love to which a small hobbit replied.   
  
"Are you two gay?"  
  
"What an outrage!" Said the Bulged Dwarf. "I am a woman! This here is Gimli and he is a man!" She stormed off.  
  
"Well!" The hobbit said. "That was a pointless little interlude. Now, back to your regularly scheduled fanfic!"  
  
"Ha, ha," said a small hobbit who, in the council, was referred to as Frodo.  
  
There was an awkward silence after the Hobbit's unbidden outburst of laughter.  
  
Everybody seemed to look at him. Then, he concluded as they noticed that his abdomen was inside the tent, that Sam was tickling his feet.. At least, they hoped he was tickling Frodo's feet.  
  
  
  
Chapter ONE!  
  
Merry objected.  
  
Pippin and Boromir were NOT allowed to share a tent, no way! When he was stuck in a tent with Gimli, this was just unacceptable!  
  
Gimli kept thinking about his lady friend in the night. Merry knew because that the bed they were sharing was qutie small and Gimli seemed to cuddle up to Merry as though he was Gimli's lady friend.  
  
Gimli smiled, he wasn't really asleep at all, just wanted to cuddle up to Merry.  
  
Legolas sighed. He was sick of being ignored by the authors, and wanted desperately to finally reach Lorien.  
  
Aragorn and Arwen seemed to be having a great time in his tent. She claimed she came along for the first few nights so that Aragorn would not have to share a tent with Galdalf.  
  
Aragorn remembered that Arwen would bind herself to him, but he never thought it was physically..  
  
He also, after a few days of the Fellowship journeying through Middle-Earth, remembered that, in fact, they -were- on a quest.  
  
On one of the colder nights of the journey, Frodo cuddled up to Sam.  
  
"Mr. Frodo!" The prudent halfling exclaimed in shock. "What -are- you doing to my, er.. Little hobbit?!"  
  
"Oh, er.." Frodo tried to find the right words. "Er, as the ringbearer, it is my duty to personally check upon the health of every fellowship, er.. member."  
  
The gullible Sam swallowed. Er, the lie, that is, anyway.  
  
Sam decided that he shoudl check Frodo's health - he wasn't eating after all. He stared at the hands that he was going to use. 'Are they worthy enough to be thrown down the pants of the ring bearer?' He thought. 'Yes, he -is- my boss.'  
  
Pippin sat up very fast in bed. "The Brittish are coming!" He exclaimed and looked around the tent. He was having a bad dream. That was all. It was all a dream.  
  
He tried to fall back to sleep, but a commotion coming from the next tent prevented this. He jumped out of bed and looked outside. Arwen was screaming, her eyes covered by her hands, a look of disgust frozen on her face.  
  
Merry was trying to quieten her wails, but was not doing a very good job, as he was trying not to laugh hysterically, as she sobbed. He giggled as a very abashed Boromir exited Arwen's tent, followed by an equally abashed Aragorn, who was busy trying to do up his fly.  
  
Pippin enquired as to what was going on, at which point, Arwen began wailing again, Boromir buried his face in his hands, Aragorn muttered something about needing to ask Gandalf something, and Merry gleefully made some joke about Boromir 'blowing the Horn of Gondor'. Pippin shook his head, confused, and retired yet again to his tent, this time managing to fall asleep.  
  
Legolas had a surprisingly good sleep too. None of them were awoken by the screams and horn-blowing comeing from the next tent.  
  
When they awoke and heard the news about horn-blowing, Legolas and the others had to conclude that there were some things that you -never- needed to know.  
  
That night, they arrived in the Mines of Moria. 


	2. Chapter TWO!

Chapter TWO!  
  
That night was one of the warmest they had and therefor gave Frodo no reason to snuggle up to Sam, except if he was scared. He was very good at playing scared, but no. He couldn't say that his 'Little Hobbit' needed anopther check-up.. or could he?  
  
Aragorn ignored Sam's cries of "Mr. Frodo, your Little Hobbit was fine all three times you had me check it today, I really think it's going to be okay!", and tried to talk to Arwen, who was acting like a spoiled child.  
  
"Arwen, forgive me?"  
  
"No. Don't wanna."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Cause."  
  
"Cause why?"  
  
"You know why! Cause of that tramp, Boromir!"  
  
"But, but Arwen!" He called as she stormed off. "But Arwen, he swallows!"  
  
Aragorn was disheartened by this whole ordeal and strode off to find Boromir to see if he wanted to conjure up spirits with him.  
  
They were making their way to Mordor and on the way they decided to stay for a couple of nights at Lothlorien, at Legolas' request. He really wanted to get his health checked and he knew just the one to do it.  
  
Just as the elf expected, Haldir was more than happy to oblige. They tried to not be botehred by the sound of the bitchfight next door as they, er.. Checked one another's.. Health.  
  
Arwen decided to the best way to to get even with Aragorn, she was still angry at him, was to sleep with someone -he- didn't like, but who? She knew the perfect person - Samwise Gamgee.  
  
"But Miss Arwen, Mr Frodo already checked my little hobbit - and it was fine, all four times today!"  
  
"Yes, Sam, but he doesn't have a woman's touch, now does he?"  
  
The modest Samwise blushed at those last words.  
  
"Well, Miss Arwen, to be honest.. he does, a bit."  
  
Arwen was very taken aback, her suduction tactics didn't seem to work on hobbits like they did on men. She needed a new strategy.  
  
She stroked his hair gently, she didn't love him, she wanted revenge, but as he gave in she realised, revenge in sweet. Especially with a hobbit.  
  
Just as planned, Frodo walked in to, once again, check sam's health and was shocked to find that his gardener had had an afair, and with an elf, he didn't think that Sam would sink that low.  
  
His yelling was heard by Aragorn, who came running in, and was horrified to see Frodo yelling at both Arwen and Samwise - Arwen looking like she had just been dancing around a fire to conjure spirits, and Sam busy trying to pull his pants up and zip his fly as quickly as possible.  
  
The room was in shocked silence. Before all four began yelling at one another.  
  
They would ahve continued yelling for hours, had not someone (With a decidedly elvish voice) banged on the wall, telling them to shut the hell up. They could hear in the backgroud "Haldir, sweetie, come back to bed!"  
  
The four angry people stared at each other for a few seconds, before departing. Arwen didn't leave before whispering "See ya later, hon", to a certain Samwise Gamgee.  
  
Sam smiled and walked out after Arwen and looking her in the eye, she carried him away.  
  
Merry and Pippin broke their embrace. "This is wrong, Merry."  
  
Merry sighed. "It isn't wrong, it can't be! It feels too right!"  
  
"No, Merry, it's wrong! Galadriel and Boromir would be shocked if they knew we were spying on them!"  
  
Evil grins broke out onto their faces.  
  
Sighs and grunts came from the background and as they turned Back an intersting site greeted their willing eyes.  
  
"Oh, Boromir!" Grunted Galadriel. "Yes! Yes! YES!"  
  
Boromir said something along the lines of "Oh god, yes, Aragorn!"  
  
Galadriel stopped her advances. "Excuse me? Did you just call me Aragorn?"  
  
"Yes! I mean, no! I mean.. Celeborn, I'm so sorry!"  
  
Galadriel shrieked in frustration and pulled away from the Man.   
  
"Every elf in Lorien mistakes me for my man! I'm sick of it!"   
  
"Oh! Haldir, I didn't mean it, I was kidding!"  
  
Galadirel stormed off, turning a strange shade of green.  
  
".. Haldir? Babe? Gorgeous? I'm so sorry!"  
  
In the meantime, Merry and Pippin had found a wonderfully private bush all of their own and they were now, um, discussing politics.. 


	3. Chapter THREE!

Chapter THREE!  
  
"AAGH!" The collective yell came from the bushes. The, er, politically informed hobbits had had their shrub invaded! By a very, er, amorous Sam and Arwen.  
  
"What are you two doing here?" Asked a very distressed Merry, covering himself.  
  
Arwen was about to answer when a very healthy-looking Legolas walked past with his sweetie, Haldir, who was gazing lovingly into his eyes. They were both in serious need of a bath robe as they strode to where the mirror was.  
  
"Galadriel won't be happy we came here." Said Legolas  
  
Haldir looked at him. "Galadriel needent know."  
  
And indeed Galadriel never found out. She was being followed by a very confused Boromir.  
  
"Gayacú, I really didn't know it was you!"  
  
He was reciting every elven name he knew. Galadriel shrieked angrily with every new name, and finally shouted at him;  
  
"If you're going to make love to me, at least learn my name!"  
  
"Glorfindel? Glorfindel, it's you, isn't it! You dyed your hair, it looks so great!"  
  
"Jerk!"  
  
Boromir gave up. He didn't know who it was and really, hwe didn't want to, they were such a bad lay that he didn't want to do it again.  
  
Gimli sat quietly on a log dreaming of his best friend,Tarin Woodenmirth, back at the mines.   
  
'Sure,' thought Gimli, 'He was kind of dead, but when has that stopped me before? And I miss Dori Stonewater my lady friend.'   
  
Gimli sighed. Sitting all alone on a log wasn't as fun as his father had made out. But he had always taken a girl from the local pub with him, maybe that had something to do with it?  
  
Frodo wailed and ran, sobbing, into the protective arms of Celeborn. Hm, maybe Sam knew what he was talking about when he described Arwen on those nights he got drunk. Elves definitely had a certain something hobbits didn't.  
  
Legolas, in the morning, was all packed and ready to leave for the next trip. They had been given capes (which went well with his eyes, Haldir had said) and gifts form Galadriel, strangely, all she had given Boromir was a slap in the face and Frodo a warning to stay away from her man.  
  
Legolas sighed and clapsed a loveletter from Haldir to his heart. He didn't want to leave.  
  
"Oh, stop being sentimental!" Gimli growled as he walked past, muttering about the courtesy of the elves and the discomfort of the local logs.  
  
All who had thought that this remark had snapped Legolas out of his love-struck phase they were terribly mistaken. He thought more and more about his love when they left and had pulled a handful of hairs out of his head to remember their time. Plus, Gimli got hairs, so why couldn't he?  
  
"Ow! Legolas, you're taking that 'dominant' role too far!"  
  
"I need your hair to remind me of my stay here - After all, the mantle is the colour as the fireplace."   
  
(A/N: Long story.)  
  
"Ok, take some hair, but can you use scissors? Please?"  
  
Aragorn walked past the two lovers having their spat. He sighed. Boromir was in no mood to call spirits with him, and Arwen was busy with her new.. little hobbit. (In EVERY sense of the word!). Maybe Gimli.. ?  
  
'Oh god, I'm getting desperate.' Aragorn thought disgustedly.  
  
Gimli strode up behind him as though to hear Aragorn's thoughts.  
  
"So, when?"  
  
"Um, what do you mean?"  
  
"Well, everyone else is doing it, so let's do it too!"  
  
"Do.. what?"  
  
"Get ready to leave Lorien! God, you ARE thick sometimes, Strider!"  
  
"Oh, yeah, right, Ok, we are leaving when everybody is ready." Aragorn was deeply relieved. He didn't like the idea of being checked out by dwarf.  
  
They set off under the watchful eye of the statues of Aragorn's Kin, Minas Tirith. 


	4. Chapter FOUR!

Chapter FOUR!  
  
Legolas was happy. He had a lock of Haldir's hair, but he still missed his love-bunnikins. He ignored Gimli as he rambled about 'How badly that elf-woman wanted me!'/  
  
Meanwhile, the others in their respective boats were also conversing. Merry and Pippin were giggling as Boromir remarked about how much Glorfindel look like the Lady Galadriel with his hair dyed.  
  
Legolas was distraught (Can we say, moodswings?). He had lost his little cupcake forever. He had the hair - But nothing compared to the 'real thing'. And he WAS the real thi.. Although, Haldir's friends had joked about.. Nah, he was definitely born a guy. Legolas hoped.  
  
They camped along the riverbank. Aragorn was conjuring spirits around an open fire and the question popped up "Are you looking for someone?" Merry and Pippin got very scared after a while. They hadn't seen who had said that but it was a low, grumbly voice with the sugestion that the person had 'manly stubble' (Now, who does that put to mind? *coughHEIROFGONDORcough*)  
  
(A/N: Oink!)  
  
While Aragorn role-played Rent Boy for Boromir, Frodo was busy, er, 'borrowing' Sam from Arwen. To be precise, he was stuffing the hobbit into a potato sack and dragging him away to one of the empty boats. They rowed away, Arwen standing on the riverbank, whining, "I'm gonna tell Daddy!"  
  
Merry and Pippin where standing away form everyone, they were afraid after all. But then they were not so nicely taken away by a group of Uruk-Hai. These beasts were teasing them on the way to Isengard.They were saying hobbits are very tiny and short, and therefor means they aren't too well equipt. But, Merry and Pippin noticed, they couldn't talk.  
  
The sounds of "But sir, that costs extra!" were coming from Aragorn's tent. Gimli was more than mildly disturbed by this. Especially when the grunts that came in reply were very feminine. If Arwen was busy stamping her foot and throwing a tantrum on the river bank, then who was in the tent with Aragorn (And since when did he charge? He used to give it away in his youth..)   
  
Suddenly, a very distressed Boromir ran out of the tent, sobbing. "Stop making fun of my voice! I decided I wanted to be a professional singer the other night while I was drunk, testicle removal was the only way to stop my voice from breaking!" Aragorn followed Bormir outside, sniggering. "You never paid me, Boromir!" Boromir replied "Jerk!" sounding uncannily like Galadriel had when she had said the same to him.  
  
Unfortunately, Boromir, in his distress, was not watching where he ran. He ran straight into another pack of Uruk, and his girlish screams were heard from miles away.  
  
Aragorn, crying, ran up to Boromir. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry I ever made fun of your, er, aspiration to be a singer."  
  
"I would have counted you my brother.. My rentboy.. My french maid."  
  
Aragorn was vaguely disturbed - Boromir really -did- have a thing for role-play.  
  
As Boromir died dramatically and triumphantly, Aragorn was able to hold one last make-out session.  
  
"Gimli!" A cry rang out from a few feet away "What ARE you doing to my, er, not-so-little hobbit?!"  
  
"I'm, er, tasting it for diseases, Legolas!"  
  
"Yeah, right."  
  
Boronir suddenly sat up "Don't flatter yourself, it's not that big!"  
  
Aragorn turned back to Boromir. "You are supposed to be dead, shut up!"  
  
"I'm not dead."  
  
"Well, you're very ill, you'll be dead soon." Said Aragorn annoyedly.  
  
"I'm getting better!"  
  
"No, you're not."  
  
"I feel happy!!"  
  
Aragorn was getting pretty pissed off around about now.  
  
"You're not fooling anyone you know."  
  
"I think I'll go for a walk."  
  
"Look, "Aragorn said to Gimli. "Can you do me a favor?"  
  
Gimli strode up to Boromir, took his ax handle and hit him over the head, killing him.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
And the three of them strode off happily into the sunset, Arwen running up and trailing behind them, saying she missed her teddy-bear. 


End file.
